Sometimes, my parents seem like they are trying to get the pointacross that they hate me. Honestly in the past 5 monthes it has become ridiculous. Either my mom is trying to guilt me because I'm never home. Or my dad is trying to lecture me about whatever I'm not doing, whatever isn't up to his standards. I get so sick of it. Thats why I'm never home. I never feel welcome. nothing is good enough. They don't care about what I'm doing. I nany aspect. My dad is afraid of talking to me. So he vents it towards my mom and she tells me abotu it and i get upset. Hes more afraid to talk to me about what I'm doing, or not doing, than I am to tal kto him about what hes doing. He just bakes and bakesand then at the end of the month he has his period and explodes at me. and I stay as calm as I can. But who knows that he thinks or assume about me. I don't know whats going on in his head. My mom is the peacekeeper. She talks to me and tries to make me understand. But I don't need her help. Both of them think I'm ungreatful. Im not. I lovethem for all that I have and am allowed. But it is very clear they're ready for me to leave. And each day i grow more and more independant. I want out. As quickley as possible.
It's as if they're trying to make me grow up and do things that I have no reason for doing. They worry about things for me. why should i burden myself more with obsolete thoughts of the future. Not that I don't think abot the future constantly. But they make it seem like I'm already screwed. Like it is already hopeless.
Im never home because I never feel welcome. I come in the door. o one says hello. how are you ? nothing. i feel alone more here than when im out alone. by myself. Im never here because, and I think i might have said this before I'm not sure, all i do when i'm home is think about what else i could be doing. Always turning are the thoughts and ideas in my head.
I try to slow life down. I've realized I'm nowhere near ready to fully grow up. Theres maturity of course.
I'll never grow up. Just old.
Tonight after a while of hanging out with some of my best friends, I started thikning about truth, honesty, and other things to that nature.
I HATE when people lie and can't be upfront about whatever they are doing. Sneaking around. conveniently forgetting to mention things. It is clear to me who can be trusted at this point and who cannot. And coming fro ma person who trusts everyone too much too quickley thats a lot. I've been hurt and betrayed one too many times for the trust thing to go on the way it had been.
another thing that bothers me about people lying to me is..I'm going to find out. eventually. An dits worse when I find out later. Im not aiming this towards anyone, nto that anyone knows since..like 2 people read these rants. Im just saying. Its better to come clean. sooner.
I applied at Old navy today. It was funny, because I went all the wya to the store to find out (from a cute girl) that it was an online application. i was shocked because i should have known but i dont think sometimes. i have lapses. i think i just contradicted myself with something i said before. i dont care.
Sometimes I want to play the guitar.
Something I'm constantly thinking about these days is whatever photo career I hoep to have. It is what I want to do. I'm set on it. But theres stil lthat uncertainty about it. What happens if I fail ? what happens when I fall through and I dont have anything to fall back on. I cant work at a coffee chop or wherever for the rest of my life. I knwo people who do that. I am not one of those people. I could never do that. I love freedom to be crative. And I have the biggest desire to get out there..and see the world. Im not one to stay in a town. Stuck in the same place, forever. It's too early to call whats going to happen . .
I'd really like to get into setting up shots. and photographing people. I jsut dont know anymore.
-Jimmy.
2 comments:
You always end things with "I don't know." It's interesting.
Jimmy, I'm sorry you don't feel at home even when you're home. Remember that scene in Garden State when Andrew like explains what home and family really is to him?
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
^That's the scene. I think you and I both share this mentality when it comes to like thinking about our home and our parents. When it comes to our parents we don't really hold much of an emotional bond because obtaining one isn't very easy for us. The only thing you and I can really do is just accept what we have to face our parents or life at home in general, and move on. Soon you'll be out of the house and believe me because you're a good person things will ultimately just get better. You obviously won't be home as much and your family will miss you. And if not miss you, they'll miss your presense. It's inevitable. Your parents are probably just giving you a hard time because they care for you so much. And even if they don't. Whatever. Just worry about yourself and your future at this point; don't let anyone bring you down. I'm sure you already know this... but I'm just reminding you? Haha.
Good luck with the job at Old Navy!
Take care,
Sarah
Good luck with or getting the job at Old Navy!* (...Is what I meant, haha.)
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