We never back up what we say..

You can't count on anyone but yourself sometimes..

=Jimmy

I Remember..

..When I was a total shy non social person. And now. complete turnaround for serious. Im now loud and vocal and I speak my mind and I fight for good things and shit. But I think back to when I was the kid who kept my head down and like..didnt talk to people cause of poor self esteem. Its incredible the changes you go through.

Im excited for tomorrow.




Anywho. I got bored tonight while watching osme stupid new game show. It was honestly the most ridiculous show ever. Are you smarter than a 5th grader. I would hope so. What is a trapezoid ? are you kidding me. waste of money and time. eh..

I want to go to an awesome concert. Im ready for something. anything. Nothing wil ltop incubus. but theres still so many options for concerts. whatever. im saying wahetevr a lot. maybe not on here so much. but in my head thinking about things.

-Jimmy

My biggest fear is myself . .

I wish my family was more supportive. The amount of support, or lack thereof, is astounding. For everything. This is mainly got me thinking because of their view and opinion on me leaving next year. But it isn't just held to that alone. Its everything. I could tell them I was going to do something that would benefit them in someway. I dont know how. or what. But I would probably get a funny look and some smart ass question like "why?". something as plain and ordinary as the question why can have the biggest impact on me. I've sat and told my mom about a project I was going to start or was working on or I tell her about what I feel strongly towards and fight for. And al lI get is a disinterested look or reply. My dad is no different. And at the same time is entirly different. In the sense..I cant even tell him things, because he probably wont even listen. He was the one who brought up college. Yes, I want to get away and I want to get away to the city. And I want to get away to Columbia. the onyl school I applied to. the only school I want to go to. And yes it is more expensive than the rest. his question at me to my mom that she relayed to me. "what does he want to get out of going there?" I cant make it sound as unsupportive as it did when my mom told me. but wow. I couldn't believe it. I want to leave more than ever.

Sometimes I think that if i want to hear the music I am in the mood for at..whenever. I have to make it myself. I should look more into this concept. Cause right now what i want that I dont have is something slow. mellow. ambient. but with lyrics. I have lots of music that is any combination of things to that nature but theyre a;; instrumental or in a different language. I have to make myself happy it seems.

there ar other tihngs on my mind. including but not limited to the following. Photography, relationships, elgin, a job, books, passion. I dont know..everything always seems to just squish together. so im pretty much fucked cause i think too much.

-Jimmy

I Wish I Had A Time Machine..

I sit here..
Sipping some tea..
It is delicious..
I wonder if tea ever goes bad..
Cause I think this tea was fairly old..
But it was cinnamon flavored and it was amazing..
Which leads me to believe it doesn't..?
Or maybe it does and I'm jsut stupid..

So I jsut finished filling out my Invisible Children Displace Me application. I wrote a novel. No I didn't but i filled up the entire page on 6 realyl general questions. It was funny but thats how i feel about it. Passion makes you do some crazy stuff. And thats how I feel about this. About Invisible Children. About Uganda. about Africa. Passionatly.

"You have to be optimistic when you want to change the world"
Best thing / quote I've ever thought of.

God this tea Is Good..

I cannot wait for Displace Me. I know this is going to be a very reoccuring Idea on this blog site. But It is honestly the ONLY thing I can think about. and about Invisible children coming again. And spreading awareness to EVERYONE. and this application I just filled out. Its jsut all really overwhelming. Its amazing.

I realyl think I'm starting to come around to who I am as a person. Im growing up. Yeah I love being immature. Thats a different situation. I mean growing up. Having good moral values and knowing where I stand and what I stand for. Its a really rewarding thought. God I hope I can Help out with Displace Me in Chicago. If not I'll for sure be doing something involved with the ECC group that we'll have going. Thats a big responsibility. I was saying how I just ant to be in charge of soing something important for it haha.

I'm going to start makigng flyers for a couple different things. Invisible children related of course.

One for Displace Me.
One For peace and justice group.
One for Invisible children screening when they come back on April 16th or around then.
I'm also thinking about going outside and getting the community aware of al lthis stuff. the schools aroun my house. Im going to put out things at my work. Anythin I can do helps right.

I took pictures today. Some were alright.




I dont know. I've felt as if I've been out of touch lately with my camera. Maybe because I dont have very many projects for clases yet and then I'm pretty lazy too. Again going hand in hand with the no motivation anymore..being here at least. I cant wait to leave.

-Jimmy.

This Fires Burning Liars

I need tofind a good mental place if I want to have any hope of finishing this semester of ECC. No Motivation whatsoever. But I am finally goingto start accomplishing things academics wise. I jus need to attain a good mental foothold or possibly be inspired in some way or form. That would be nice. Invisible children inspires me. but not in a way I can figure out wha tto do with yet. I am so passionate about that. And photography. But I havent been doing much about either. Picture taing has taken a break because I dont even know why. Idont have projects to do. I want a set of studio lights more than anyhting right now. Until i get them i dont know what Im going to do. More landscapes. I want to start photographing people and bands and getting into that. I want to know how I can get into photographing bands. I read about people my age doing it and it interests me. I love music. I love photographs. Digital prints. Why not combine the 3. I want to do that. It would be incredible..

Im in class right now. Why am I on here. Class hasnt actually started whatever.

-jimmy

Displace Me.

The Invisible Children people came to ECC today. It was awesome desppite the not so amazing turnout we had hoped for. But it was still really really good. And I wasn't sure it had had the impact on some of the people who saw it for the first time today as it did on me when i first saw it until, after the screening, on the way back from the bathroom I heard two older ladies talking about how incredibley ridiculous it was that it was going on. It made me smile It gave me hope. A hope that We, the 3 genocide members, have a chance to make this problem known to everyone. From ECC to wherever no matter who or wha tgroup of people we inform. Every little thing matters. I still feel amazing when I can tlak about it and people who dont know ask me for an explanation and I tell them and it really seems like they walk awayfrom me with a snese of intrigue and interest. Like they really might go and read up and inform themselves more about the issue. Its amazing. Its rewarding in a sense.

But like I said, Invisible Children people came and screened the movie and gave out information on ways to help. And afterwards, now, all Ive been able to think about is 1. how much I want to help out. Donating. Taking Donations. Informing people. and the other thin I've been thinking about is how much I wish I could be one of those people who travels around the country informing schools and groups. Its jsut somethin that would be an amazing amazing thing. Mentally and morally rewarding to the fullest extent. I would give anything for that.

At the end of the screening they talked about an event called DISPLACE ME.
Last year there was an event in April called the GLOBAL COMMUTE. It was a plea for people from all over the country to come out and support the desire to make the terror in uganda more of a known affair. Over 80 thousand people in 100 plus something cities i think made it out for the commute. It wasa huge thing and they wrote letters to their senators and the president and soon after the house upped the children soldiar issue as far as priority. Not by much but jusenough.
This year, aespecially after the hurricane katrina episode, They are asking for something of the same style of support. DISPLACE ME is an event aimed at showing people what its like to be without a home and living with almost nothing. Its on APRIL 28TH this year. And To say I was excited for it Would be an understatement. I would have done the global night commute last year if i had known about it. so now Im making up for it by going to this. And Im asking anyone who cares the littlest amount to join me in supporting Invisible children and the dreams of thousands of people all around the world. I really cant wait.

There was also this schools for schools thing that the genocide commity is doing for sure and then branching into the peace and justice group or something. its gonna be awesome.

I really want to draw..I do tnknwo why or what. but i want to..i realyl want to get my tattoo. but since i have NO money whatsoever. it sucks. shit.

Im sick of ECC i want to leave. I dont mean to coem off as bitchy. but I dont like going here anymore.

-Jimmy

St. Valentines Day..

A lot of people forget what happend abotu 80 years ago today. A bunch of mobsters went on a rampage of killing on each other. but lets celebrate by buying a lot of cute shit and spoiling people. We've compensated.


I was bored tonight jsut now an ddid some things. My Valentines day has been anti-climactic. for sure.


I filled Out my application for room and board at Columbia college chicago. Im realyl realyl excited. Like its almsot a surreal feeling that it might actually realyl happen. Just incredible.

I kinda miss this one girl. Its sad :[

-jimmy.

Love's not A Grave, It wont decay on you..

I've been hearing a lot of people complain about not having a Valentine. I think its funny how so many people can be tricked into spending money for this fake hallmark holiday. Because they think that February 14th marks some unbelieveable day of love and passion. It doesnt. Nothing at all makes tomorrow any different fro many other day. Its just that title. Valentines Day. Lets go out and treat someone incredibly but every other day doesnt matter. So one day out of the year your "special someone" should be treated well and then every other day its okay not to have that mindset. Maybe Im just bitter. I dont know why I would be. I jsut cant imagine what ismaking this day so much better than the rest of the days of the year.. I dont mean to complain. wow maybe I am bitter. Maybe, but oddsare Im not cause it really isnt a big deal to me at all. im just sick of hearing people whine about not having anyone.

Here is what Ive accomplished tonight.

The last ones my favorite.

-Jimmy

Oh. Passion..

So I think it is ridiculous that ECC was the only school in a million mile radius to be open still. thats just incredible. I hear no one showed up, and I sure as hell didn't go. It was jsut dumb to stay open. Also the way teachers were towards the emails I sent letting them know I wasn't risking my life to get to ECC. W Which of course I didnt put it like that exactly..But I got "uh, yeah, you missed some stuff" and other things ha twere jsut really condescending and pissed me off. Its like because I wasnt there and I let them know I gave notice to my absence that their opinion of me went down. Its ridiculous. I guess people opinions of me going down for no reason, no justified reason, is a pretty re-occuring thing these days.




Anywho. I enjoyed my snowday. I didn't reallydo anything except shovel the driveway and take some pictures. None were up to par so I will only post these 2..

Apparently there is a winter storm and win dwarning not til 12 tonight anymore but til 9 in the morning. Im looking foreward to driving in the morning. So excited. But Im glad that we finalyl got a storm. even if it is the middle of february.

I watchedreal TV tonight. I find myself doing it more. because I dont work during the week and I neglect homework because I cant motivate myself for it and its bad im starting to not care.

Blah i dont feel like talking anymore.

-Jimmy

Forgive My Indecision.

Hers how my conversation with my mom went thismorning..

-I wake up.
-"Blizzard-like conditions!"
-"oh..cool. Im not going to class today."
-"yes YOU ARE.."
-I wlaked away and have yet to go to school..

ECC would do good in cancelling and posting that its cancelled classes today so I wont feel bad. Everyone I have talked to said they are no going. So yeah fuck that. Why should I die for psychology's sake. Granted Im missing my studio lighting critique as well. But still Its not worth it. and EVERY single otehr school around here has a snow day. to ECC I say, "dont be an independant. that is lame. Be cliche' and copy off other schools. It's funny that was weird and I would NEVER say that about anything other than a school on a day like this.

But in all seriousness, It's realyl coming down pretty good out there..so I am going to drink tea and go back to bed. Cause dying is not worth it today..

theres something about missing classes at ECC for no reason I can't get past. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday about how I missed class and I felt like shit cause its like, Its community college. And so to miss this would be like..missing something else thats not very interesting or fun, but its still like why miss it. Its ECC. I dont know how to explain my thought process behind this one. I dont think theres motivation for it. not anymore. 1st semester it was like, okay go and and run cross country get a scholarship get through 2 years transfer out. thats easy. Not I cant stand it. Its half because I keep forgetting and then re-realizing that its community college and the pther part is living here which I could rant and rave about for hours and hours but I wont cause..Im going back to bed soon.

alright.

sledding today thast what should go down.
-Jimmy.

What Am I searching for ?

It seems like Everyones thinking about the same things tonight.

Money. school. happiness. life in general. Its just realyl ironic that I write things and read things that are in relation to what i was talking about and thinking about and stuff..its realyl interesting.

I think I might leave next year. To the city. for schooling. The way I am seeing it is i am only young once and I only have one chance to be young and happy so why the hell shouldnt I do what i want.

Im in a better mood. not that i was in a bad mood earlier. but better now. I love being able to talk to people.

here..

I had to do a project alone. even though it was a portrait project. I dont care. I have fun taking pictures of myself. Im so accesable. its no problem at all.

I went to iowa to visit a friend this weekend. It was more than enjoyable.

new music you should listen to.
-As tall as lions.
-playradioplay!
-The sounds of animals fighting.
-Not Quietdrive.

-Jimmy

I Have A Heart Like A Robot..

I hate when I get the way I am now. Feeling like Im wasting my time and my life and my abilities and talents and blah blah blah. I hate this feeling. Like Im not good enough. Not good enough like, I suck at living and I should just die, no. The not good enough like My life is going nowhere. Im 18 I shouldnt feel like im having a mid life crisis yet. The future scares me..But so does the present. Being here. living in my house. It scares me. I hate th ethought of being here any longer. Its not my friends or what I do to have fun or anything like that. Its thinking that I could be off living somewhere where i was absolutly number one decider on everything. no parents, I do things to better my situation and nothing is said by my parents. Theres no rules, not NO RULES whatsoever. but no house rules. no "oh you came home really late you are in trouble". No being nagged at for not doing enough around the house. no being around a house. Im 18, going on 19, and Im so independant that its ridiculous that im not living on my own, or atl east not at home with my parents and their rules and opinions and awful silent citiques on my life. It make sme think about when i was 17 and having money problems because I was in high school and i didnt work a lot..and my mom brought up me workign more because she "didnt want me to be in debt in the future". Thats good. Good advice. I was 17. It was too soon fo rthat, I got so mad. I was 17 that is ridiculous.

I think the reason I am thining about all this is because I want to not be at ecc anymore. Do those correlate ? did i spel that right. I visited a friend at university Of Iowa this weekend. It was fun. But since I left I havent been able to stop thinking about how great it would be if i could have just stayed. Just to stay and get a dorm and go to school there..And I knew it was oging to happen. whenever I go anywhere schoolwise other than ECC I always think about how i could be gong there and doing the "college thing". word is its supposed to be the best years of my life. I want it to be. I want to be not at ECC. Yeah its cheap. yeah its easy. But its not enough. Id rather be going to a more expensive more challenging school. Because At least I would be living there and not at home. God i hate when i get like this.

I want to be in the city.
I want to live in the city.
I want to be where I belong. And if thats not where I really belong, then fine. At least i tried it and figured it out myself. At least it was a learning experience..I havent had one of those in a while.

Where I am right now is at the thought process of, if i dont leave now or soon I never will. and I wont. And I know that. The more Im here at home, going to ECC, working for a piece of shit boss at a coffee shop in the mall, the more I want to get out of here. and the sooner I want to do so. I dont know.

I just hate the thought of getting on with my life any longer in Carpentersville. And like I said its not a matter of friends here. Its not. I love them as much as one person could. they are the reason I am still here and not running around naked ripping my hair out. they are the best group of people anyone could ask for. and I would give anything for them.
But being here. Living at home. Its over-rated. People go away and tell me they miss homeand its so bad wherever. its not. But then again maybe its just me. Maybe its because if i went (hopefully I do) away, I would be having the best time ever. A new place. new poeple. new life. Same person. different setting.

This is not all Ive been thinking about. Alot more has been on my mind. more drama and shit like that. The first being about one of my good good friends..or not so much anymore..and his girlfriend. his girlfriend would do anything in th eworld, apparently, to make sure everyone knew I sucked and deserved no friends. which if you knew me at all yo uwould know was untrue. She thinks I am egotistical and Arrogant and that I fish for comments out of everyone. And that above all her opinion of me will be carried on through the generations. but it wont. it will only carry on through two people. her and her boyfriend. someone who was one of my best friends. And now, what, thats it I guess. No mroe friendship, nothing. cold turkey. I didnt think he was capable of just. quiting on something or someone but apparently my view of people is way askew and wrong. Its just funyn how I didnt do anything to deserve it. Not one thing. It kind of makes you value and wonder true friendships. If they exist. for how long. This has taught me that friendships, no matter how thick and strong are not bulletproof. To put anything behind would be to lie about living altogether. there is no escaping the past. Its not somethin you can put out with the morning garbage. i wish It werent this way.

But with the evident loss of one friend or friends, comes the new friendships. New people and new memories although I can honestly say old ones will never be forgotten. but I cant stay held up on a loose end that will go nowhere and never be sorted or discussed. Lifestoo short to be owrried about what other people think. what people who dont even know me consider me to be. scum ? I guess so. If it makes you feel better abotu yourself. because thats what it has come down to, in every situation and conversation. You you you. The world is so much bigger. its pointless.

Im sorry if some of you if those of you who opened this are still reading are trying to figure out what Im talkign about..Its something between a small group of people only few would understand..

Invisible children is coming up. Next tuesday the 20th.

February 20th
Elgin community college.
230-5 p.m. Its free
Bring everyone. Its a life changing movie and its a good cause. Its somethi nIve been pretty passionate about for a few monthes so, take a look. go to www.invisiblechildren.com if you want to know what its about or dont know or whatever.

what could this hurt ?

I was turned onto this guy who does music related things such as :

-Play music.

Its really pretty good and it reminds me a lot of postal service. Its alright. its http://www.purevolume.com/playradioplay

check it out.
-jimmy.

Imperfection Is Beauty..

I finished the tattoo I would like toget rather soon. In fact in the very VERY near future. Its a tree with some writing. And rather than trying to explain it and what it means to me ill jsut show you, (the two people who read this) it.

I want it soon. And Im excited to get it soon. And Ive never wanted one this badly.

Anywho. Im on day two of no wisdom teeth. Ive heard so many horror storie about the first day and second day and how bad it hurts and blah blah blah. And to be honest I am very comfortable right now. and I hear its supposed to get worse on day two..but thus far it hasnt. and I dotn have to keep gauze in my mouth anymore which is jsut freaking incredible.

Um I havent realyl been taking pictures lately. Cause I haev a lot of school work. And a lot of things on my mind and stuf to do. I want to go take pictures. I just have no where to go and no one to go with. and I cant drive because I am drugged up right now. I wish people would hangout with me haha..

whatever. Im fond of solitude and quiet thought. I do it a lot. I cant imagine a life without it. so Im used to sitting here. Listening to music and pondering I guess you could say..

In The Air I Breathe..

So I've really been playing with the idea of doing these awareness posters and stuff. I have so many ideas and everything all written down btu sometimes i cant find the nerve or the patience or the energy to work on them. The thing is I really want to. Its for a good cause. Its going to get peoples attention, some of them, hopefully. I jsut wish i wasn't so hectic and busy. And I say that meaning its all school work. I work one day this weekend. Its not work thats keeping me busy. and in spite of work not being an issue im suffering due to lack of money that is desperatly needed. and again, i wish money and cash was obsolete. But its not so i have to live with it. i just have to hold out til summer. til i start my summer painting job or get another job now. i dont know. everythings spinning. But back to wanting to have more time and energy. this is the picture i finally got done for something non school, or class, related. Its for peace and justice committie and its jsut to get people interested abotu invisible children. Im not sure if it wil lor not. something about the picture to me is lacking. i think it needs a gun but i dont know. im doing more. i figure this is fine for now.

Sarah says we're going to talk about it at the meeting. which only frightens me because although i love criticism. i dont know. and i hope shes planning on speaking cause im not big on group speaking although i could talk a few peoples ears off. ;]

Im supposed to be going to chicago tomorrow. and I want to but I dont. I do because its chicago the city I love. amazingness in one town. I dont because its supposed to be 11 degrees and i would like to tak epictures. there is always inside pictures but..eh..also i have a limited amopunt of money fro mnow til next wednesday and i have to get trhrough chicago. this weekend with the superbowl AND INCUBUS next tuesday an dI jsut remembered, I signed up to do shti for studio lighting next tuesday and i cant. dammit. and I wont be back at ecc til monday. FUCK

anywho. thats all for now i think.

-Jimmy