I hate when I get the way I am now. Feeling like Im wasting my time and my life and my abilities and talents and blah blah blah. I hate this feeling. Like Im not good enough. Not good enough like, I suck at living and I should just die, no. The not good enough like My life is going nowhere. Im 18 I shouldnt feel like im having a mid life crisis yet. The future scares me..But so does the present. Being here. living in my house. It scares me. I hate th ethought of being here any longer. Its not my friends or what I do to have fun or anything like that. Its thinking that I could be off living somewhere where i was absolutly number one decider on everything. no parents, I do things to better my situation and nothing is said by my parents. Theres no rules, not NO RULES whatsoever. but no house rules. no "oh you came home really late you are in trouble". No being nagged at for not doing enough around the house. no being around a house. Im 18, going on 19, and Im so independant that its ridiculous that im not living on my own, or atl east not at home with my parents and their rules and opinions and awful silent citiques on my life. It make sme think about when i was 17 and having money problems because I was in high school and i didnt work a lot..and my mom brought up me workign more because she "didnt want me to be in debt in the future". Thats good. Good advice. I was 17. It was too soon fo rthat, I got so mad. I was 17 that is ridiculous.
I think the reason I am thining about all this is because I want to not be at ecc anymore. Do those correlate ? did i spel that right. I visited a friend at university Of Iowa this weekend. It was fun. But since I left I havent been able to stop thinking about how great it would be if i could have just stayed. Just to stay and get a dorm and go to school there..And I knew it was oging to happen. whenever I go anywhere schoolwise other than ECC I always think about how i could be gong there and doing the "college thing". word is its supposed to be the best years of my life. I want it to be. I want to be not at ECC. Yeah its cheap. yeah its easy. But its not enough. Id rather be going to a more expensive more challenging school. Because At least I would be living there and not at home. God i hate when i get like this.
I want to be in the city.
I want to live in the city.
I want to be where I belong. And if thats not where I really belong, then fine. At least i tried it and figured it out myself. At least it was a learning experience..I havent had one of those in a while.
Where I am right now is at the thought process of, if i dont leave now or soon I never will. and I wont. And I know that. The more Im here at home, going to ECC, working for a piece of shit boss at a coffee shop in the mall, the more I want to get out of here. and the sooner I want to do so. I dont know.
I just hate the thought of getting on with my life any longer in Carpentersville. And like I said its not a matter of friends here. Its not. I love them as much as one person could. they are the reason I am still here and not running around naked ripping my hair out. they are the best group of people anyone could ask for. and I would give anything for them.
But being here. Living at home. Its over-rated. People go away and tell me they miss homeand its so bad wherever. its not. But then again maybe its just me. Maybe its because if i went (hopefully I do) away, I would be having the best time ever. A new place. new poeple. new life. Same person. different setting.
This is not all Ive been thinking about. Alot more has been on my mind. more drama and shit like that. The first being about one of my good good friends..or not so much anymore..and his girlfriend. his girlfriend would do anything in th eworld, apparently, to make sure everyone knew I sucked and deserved no friends. which if you knew me at all yo uwould know was untrue. She thinks I am egotistical and Arrogant and that I fish for comments out of everyone. And that above all her opinion of me will be carried on through the generations. but it wont. it will only carry on through two people. her and her boyfriend. someone who was one of my best friends. And now, what, thats it I guess. No mroe friendship, nothing. cold turkey. I didnt think he was capable of just. quiting on something or someone but apparently my view of people is way askew and wrong. Its just funyn how I didnt do anything to deserve it. Not one thing. It kind of makes you value and wonder true friendships. If they exist. for how long. This has taught me that friendships, no matter how thick and strong are not bulletproof. To put anything behind would be to lie about living altogether. there is no escaping the past. Its not somethin you can put out with the morning garbage. i wish It werent this way.
But with the evident loss of one friend or friends, comes the new friendships. New people and new memories although I can honestly say old ones will never be forgotten. but I cant stay held up on a loose end that will go nowhere and never be sorted or discussed. Lifestoo short to be owrried about what other people think. what people who dont even know me consider me to be. scum ? I guess so. If it makes you feel better abotu yourself. because thats what it has come down to, in every situation and conversation. You you you. The world is so much bigger. its pointless.
Im sorry if some of you if those of you who opened this are still reading are trying to figure out what Im talkign about..Its something between a small group of people only few would understand..
Invisible children is coming up. Next tuesday the 20th.
February 20th
Elgin community college.
230-5 p.m. Its free
Bring everyone. Its a life changing movie and its a good cause. Its somethi nIve been pretty passionate about for a few monthes so, take a look. go to www.invisiblechildren.com if you want to know what its about or dont know or whatever.
what could this hurt ?
I was turned onto this guy who does music related things such as :
-Play music.
Its really pretty good and it reminds me a lot of postal service. Its alright. its http://www.purevolume.com/playradioplay
check it out.
-jimmy.
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